Vintage Receiver
LadyButtonz asked:

http://giftsfordads.org


Comments

1 Comment so far

  1. Mei Guanxi on February 2, 2010 1:00 pm

    First of all, the basic idea is interesting and it was nice to read. As you ask for a critical look that is what I did. I have the following remarks:

    “The gloomy and unsecured day of December drifted among Grathletown, especially for Mary Tackleworth. Mary of whom, had just moved into her new house, across the border of Iowa, The canaries, which was thousands of miles from her own home, all the way back in South Asia, and because of these dire consequences she missed her mother terribly.” This part I don’t understand, I suggest to rewrite it and make it simpler.

    She received three very unusual presents from a delivery man yesterday;
    As she hasn’t opened the parcels yet, how to know they are unusual?

    Finally, get rid of this part: “What’s happened that could cause the families bank organisational to turn up on my doorstep?’, ‘Why am I suddenly the centre of attention?’ Mary asked all these un-answered questions”. It seems a bit too detailed to think like that in a situation of emotions and stress.

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